missmarthanightingale

Sam doesn't ask her to go with him.

When all the shouting is finished and all the doors have been slammed, when John has handed down the ultimatum which made Sam storm out of the house they're squatting in, when her father has smashed the first of the bottles he's crawling into against his bedroom wall, Dee puts the overturned chairs back on their feet and drives her baby brother to the bus station.

He's made it nearly two miles in twenty minutes, the long-legged freak, but he doesn't hesitate to get in when the Impala rolls up next to him. The car is silent as Sam decides what he wants to say. Dee can feel his brain working, weighing words and how they fit together and discarding sentence after sentence that won't get him what he wants. She knows, she always knows, what he wants.

But he doesn't work up the courage to say it, which she's glad for, because neither of them is completely sure who she'd choose if it came down to it and neither of them wants to find out that the answer is "John" after all. She's a coward when it comes to her father and Sam's a coward when it comes to her so here they sit in the Impala, parked across from the bus station, not asking each other not to leave.

He doesn't have to say it for her to know that it's an option, that he'd love her to come with him. It should be an easy choice, in his mind. Yes or no, stay or go, Sam or John. Stick with the drunken, obsessive, neglectful father or follow the beloved baby brother to sunny California and all the freedoms it represents. It's simple, to Sam, because Sam doesn't understand. Why she never left John, why she gave up on normality and didn't graduate high school. What it's like to watch your house burn down with your brother in your arms and your mother still inside. What it's like to look at John and see the man he used to be.

He does understand that it isn't an easy choice, though. Enough not to ask her to make it.

She tucks her box of emergency cash into his bag and tells him to call Bobby Singer if he needs a loan and Pastor Jim if he needs advice and doesn't tell him to call her if he needs her because it'll break her heart if he doesn't. She checks that he has a satisfactory supply of salt, holy water, M&Ms. She fusses over the guns he didn't pack and inventories the knives he did.

He doesn't say a word until he's out of the car and about to cross the road, at which point he leans in her open window to kiss her cheek and mutter "I love you" before taking off without giving her the chance to recover enough from the shock of that to say anything back. She figures that's a pretty clear indication that he's not really looking for a response, but says "You too" to his retreating back anyway. She has no idea if he hears her.

It's still dark out when he walks into the building and she's not going anywhere until she sees him get on the damn bus, because he doesn't stop being her responsibility when he's walking away from her. She sits for hours in the Impala and plays the radio instead of her cassettes because she doesn't want her music tainted by association with this mess. She wonders if she's waiting to make sure he gets on the bus safely or to make sure that he knows he doesn't have to get on the bus at all, and can't come up with an answer that feels honest.

Buses start showing up and leaving again but none of them are Sam's. The bus to California turns up with the dawn, which is some symbolic bullshit, and when he comes out of the station and catches sight of her still parked across the road she realises that she doesn't want to find out what he'd choose either, starts the engine and starts moving before he can pick a direction to walk in.

She can't stop herself from glancing in the mirror when she pulls away, taking in the defeated set of Sam's shoulders and the way he wraps his arms around himself. He looks very alone.

She wonders about all the things he decided not to say.

It's good that he didn't ask, though, really it is.

She could never follow him to Stanford.

She turns up on his doorstep all of three months later.

This is an AU where Deanna follows Sam to Stanford. I was originally going to write them having a conversation before he left, but I couldn't make it work — there was no way I could fit in everything I wanted Sam to say to her. Then I realised that there was probably nothing he could say that she hadn't already thought of anyway. So I thought that a good format for this fic might be a series of segments, each one starting with something Sam might have said to her, as she tries to figure out what it is she wants & makes her way to California.

"Double room, please."

The woman behind the counter had been half asleep, but startled to attention when Deanna slammed through the door. Stupid. Shouldn't have made such a dramatic entrance. It was memorable.

"How — uh, how many nights?"

"Just the one, we're only passing through."

"Okay, uh … it's basically morning now, but if you want to stay through to tomorrow I'm gonna have to charge you for two nights … got any requests or preferences or — "

"Just. A cheap room, all we're really looking for is a place to fall unconscious for a few hours. We'll be gone by tonight."

"Well, okay, I guess. Who's we?"

"Oh, uh, me and my sister."

"Your sister, huh." She seems a lot more awake now. "That her by your car?"

"Uh, yeah."

The woman gazes out the window at a girl with a much too large leather jacket wrapped around her slight frame. It doesn't cover enough of her legs. She's staring at nothing, perfectly still. She looks cold. The woman looks back at Deanna, who meets her gaze and tries not to worry about bare feet.

"You girls travelling alone?"

Too perceptive. Change tack. Deanna's smile feels more like a grimace, but if this conversation will convince the woman not to ask questions about the shell-shocked girl outside and the smoke clinging to Deanna's clothes, she can endure it.

"Yeah, we wanted — we wanted some girl time. She, uh, had a tough breakup, so we're going on — on a road trip. Clear her head, you know?"

The woman smiles back, too polite, too many teeth.

"Well, isn't that nice! I wish I was that close with my sister, but we'd probably murder each other if we spent more than a few hours in a car together. What's her name?"

"My sister?"

"Yeah."

Deanna feels the words rising up inside her, spitting that none of this is any of the woman's business and that all they want is to be left alone, but she forces them down and tells herself, this woman thinks she understands you, this woman pities you, use it.

"Oh, her name's — her name's Jess."

"That's nice." She shuffles through some papers. "Listen, I'm gonna put you in room 12. You paying cash or card?"

"Uh, cash, please."

"Alright, that'll be fifty for the night."

Deanna pays up and takes the key, more than ready for this interaction to be finished. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be over yet.

"Hey."

Deanna pauses, halfway to the door, and turns back to the woman behind the counter, who has a sharp, sad look in her eye.

"You girls be careful, alright? You gotta look out for each other, you and your sister. If you're gonna be travelling alone."

"Right. Yeah, we — we will."

Deanna waits until the door is closed behind her to snort and say, under her breath, "Me and my sister."

Deanna got the Impala outside Palo Alto's city limits within half an hour of kicking down Sam's door, then kept driving until they hit Nevada. Now, pulling into the parking spot for room 12, which is conveniently tucked out of sight from the road, she can feel the exhaustion weighing down on her. Jess, curled up on herself on the passenger side, bare toes pale against the leather seat, looks even worse.

"Go grab the door, will ya."

It takes a moment for her to react to that, but Jess takes the key from Deanna's hand and gets out of the car. Deanna gets out too, opens the rear door, then stares at the backseat, filled with an emotion she will never acknowledge as irritation.

"Alright, up you come."

It takes some doing to wrestle Sam and all his long limbs out of the car. She gets his arm around her shoulder, loops hers around his waist, and focuses on putting one foot in front of the other in the general direction of the door. He's grown so much since he left for Stanford. He never used to be this heavy. Her knees nearly buckle when she's a few steps from the threshold, but she doesn't fall, and the weight suddenly eases. Jessica, on the other side of him. Together they manage to carry him to the nearest bed and lower him onto it, and then Deanna finds herself tugging his shoes off on autopilot, too used to doing this for John. She follows the action through anyway, because it makes her feel better, and places them neatly at the foot of the bed.

"What now?"

To hear Jess's voice at all, even as the hoarse whisper that comes out of her now, is a surprise. She hasn't spoken since she stopped screaming, hadn't even made any noise when she was crying. Not that Deanna had put much effort into starting a conversation.

"We crash here for a few hours. Regroup when we wake up. Head out by nightfall."

"Are we safe here?"

The very last thing Deanna needs right now is to be worrying about Jess's emotional well-being on top of everything else she has on her plate. But the hollow tone is so jarring to hear from a girl who had only days ago left Deanna with an overwhelming impression of softness. She can't help herself.

She walks over, takes cold hands into her own and looks Jess in the eye, tries to infuse her gaze with all the confidence she doesn't feel.

"You are safe here, because I am not going to let anything happen to you." She squeezes Jess's hands and doesn't let her gaze falter. "I promise."

OK, so this is a "Jessica lives" AU combined with a "Deanna Winchester" AU. I think it's gonna follow the early s1 episodes, focusing on the development of the relationship between the girls, & probably getting into a lot of my thoughts on Dean's character in that timeframe.

• Merlin's relationships with Gwen & the Knights of the Round Table are central & consistent.
  • Lancelot gets to be around more, Gwaine is loyal to Merlin above all others (they bang at some point), Elyan marries her probably.
  • Gwen, Merlin & Leon form a We Believe In Arthur squad in S1, a relationship which endures.
  • they all Know, to some degree, by the time Merlin finally comes out & says it.
• Merlin has positive relationships & regular contact with other magic-users, e.g. Alice, Isildur.
  • related, the Dolma & Dragoon are actually separate people who help her out with hi-jinks.
  • she deserves to have real allies, goddamn it.
• That Moment in S1 is the start of Arthur questioning his father & tentatively accepting magic. (x)
• Morgana can't live in Camelot as it is but she isn't a completely irredeemable villain & is always, always Arthur's sister, though she does try to kill him a few times.
  • ideally Merlin handles stuff with Morgana & Mordred … marginally better?
  • Morgana knows about Merlin's magic from S2 on but never, ever outs her.
• The Sorcerer's Shadow in S3 is a turning point for Merlin & the story. (x)
• Merlin is a girl I think. Very, very bi. She works around the castle as needed but her main job is being Gaius's apprentice.
  • her friendship with Arthur develops more slowly & is more difficult, but in the end, it's more genuine & healthier for both of them.
  • it makes protecting him a lot harder! She can't always be there. He gets to do cool stuff by himself sometimes & is clearly a capable person in his own right.
• vague time-line:
  • in the first episode Merlin is 18, Arthur is 20, Gwen in 19, Morgana is, hmm, 23?
  • the events of S1/S2 happen over a period of about 3 years
  • Morgana disappears for about 6 months
  • S3 happens over the course of 2+ years, with the events of TSS happening near the end of the first year
  • Morgana grows progressively worse over this time, & it culminates in the takeover
  • Arthur rules as regent for a year & a half before his father dies
  • Arthur is crowned king, immediately starts repealing anti-magic laws
  • Gwen is crowned queen within a year & a half, Merlin confesses about the magic in days after
  • Camlann happen about 9 years later, Arthur dies at nearly 40, the Golden Age actually happened, I cry probably
  • the rest of them manage to live pretty happily, keep Arthur's legacy alive, find someone decent to inherit the kingdom
  • all of this, from Merlin arriving in Camelot to Arthur's death, takes places over, like, 20 years, which seems like a fairly reasonable time-span for Arthurian legend while preserving the tragedy of Arthur dying too soon